By Elise H. Peltier

After a shockingly scandalous photo album on Facebook surfaced last weekend including members from both SGA candidate parties, students responded by writing in a new candidate for president and refusing to accept candidates from either ticket, with the exception of Ravay.

"I am just so sick of the pettiness that occurs every single election!" exclaimed Annie Frank, a senior history major, who led a student protest on Lex Street.

The crowd of students applauded the spectacle as they sipped latte's by the coffee hut and enjoyed their time skipping class in order to watch someone yell about something they didn't really care about.

Frank continued her speech and said it was time for someone to step in who really knew the minds of students. After researching through past issues of the Vermin, she discovered a hidden jewel - Tim Landry.

Landry, who graduated in 2005, wrote 'My Thoughts,' the only other popular column that could compete with Casey Cajun's 'Sex and the School.'

Frank felt the university would benefit having an alumni serve the position of SGA president for one year in order to put the students back on track.

Current SGA President Stacy Barnette and Dean Ted Stratt were baffled by the unique scenario.

"I mean I could stay on one more year if it's necessary," Barnette said. "I didn't realize anyone was paying attention to Facebook."

"This has never happened in the history of the university," Stratt said. "But the students have spoken. Does anyone know where Tim Landry is?"

Landry, now a local writer and comedian, was dumbfounded and humbled by the situation.

"I really can't believe this happened," Landry said. "I was never interested in SGA when I was in school, except for the candy they used to pass out before the meetings. But if the students want me, I think I could handle the job."

The Senate has been called into an emergency session and have been stuck in Moody Hall for the past three days trying to decipher the student code of conduct and Robert's rule of order. A heated discussion to amend and suspend the rules took place after an in-depth analysis of one of Landry's columns "Truth or... not truth" was debated.

For accuracy purposes, the column will be shared here:

"For this week's column, I figured I'd change things up by entertaining you.

I have this idea for a game that you and I can play together that won't end in me having a shaved eyebrow or curled up in the fetal position in Kmart.

I'll explain the rules. I don't know if you've seen the television show "Fact or Fiction," but if you have: lol. Although your television-watching taste is questionable, you'll probably have a slight edge over those who watch stuff like the news or whatever.

I'll present to you three tales of incidents that I allegedly experienced in the past week. One of these stories, much like my beard, is fake. If you can guess which adventure is fake, you and I are soul mates. If you can't, then you're still my soul mate, but you owe me a dollar. I'll be sure to include lots of seemingly insignificant facts to help you. Let's get started.

Story I:

It was Monday and I was wearing a blue T-shirt and jeans. I was also wearing shoes, socks and underwear, but I figured that kind of goes without saying. My hair was pretty long. Because I sweat while undergoing intense physical activity (such as sitting in vibrating chairs) I decided to wear a bandanna. So I decided to get a haircut that weekend. Before I left my apartment, I noticed that it's 2005 and that I'm Tim Landry so I couldn't afford gas. I decided to ride my bicycle to school.

Outside, I admired the beautiful day. I put on my headphones to drown out songbirds and passing vehicles. Vehicles filled with passengers who shout random things like "bicycle!" and "that" and "Look at that loser riding."

I made it to campus and looked over my left shoulder in preparation for a left turn. My bike, however, decided to go another direction: Ape-S***. For some reason I took a spill. For some other reason I shouted "Wugghhhhhhhh?" on the way down. I would later discover the chain was off, but I assumed it was just trying to escape any association with me. Naturally, there was a witness to the carnage and, naturally, it was a blonde girl wearing pink.

"OMG are u OK?" is what she would have typed to me if we were talking on AOL or the Yahoo.

I stood up quickly and opened my mouth but nothing came out. Then I said, "Uhh... uhh... Gravel?"

She then said "lol kthxbai" and left.

Story II:

I decided to get a haircut on Saturday because I had a bangin' party to attend on Sunday. I would love to make some hilarious joke about the party, but in actuality it was to honor mysoon-to-be 2-year-old cousin. So my life is enough of a joke as is. I was going to go to my usual hair salon, but it was closed because they were out of combs, I think. So I got said haircut at another place. The results were very good for Tim standards. This basically means I still look male overall.

In celebration of my chop, I went with two friends to some thrift stores. Of all conceivable human beings I could possibly have seen in the store, fate decided to have my regular hairstylist go shopping that day.

"****!" I shouted before diving into a cardboard box filled with ties. Unfortunately, I didn't think it through and dove into the very tie box she was browsing.

I am not making up the next line of dialog. Her exact quote was:

"Hey Tim, I... You got a haircut," she said.

I was screwed. I think my exact words were: "... I... Haircut... Flaven! Laaaady!"

Then I bought some used underwear. Not from the thrift store, but from some guy on Johnston Street.

Story III:

Six hot, kinda punk rock chicks were making out with me on my futon while I was listening to music that impressed everybody.

It was Monday and my Audi was in the shop so I was pretty pissed and needed a massage. This one girl offered but I told her no (just to be difficult). I told her to instead hand me my Playstation controller, which was actually, like, 4 inches away. Then this kinda screamo girl who was apparently also there started playing with my long hair and I told her to stop because it made me feel girly. To make up for the three or four twirls she got in, I lifted some weights, which made two of the girls faint. During the weightlifting, one of my abs tore a hole in the shirt I bought at the thrift store. One of the girls who was still conscious said the torn shirt made me look "Hollister," so I asked her to leave.

On the way out, she tripped over this big pile of groceries I forgot to put away from earlier. She stood up and had some lettuce in her hair, which I thought weird. I didn't remember buying lettuce because I only eat meat and Fruit Roll-Ups.


Score yourself a friendship with Tim Landry if you guessed stories I and II are the true stories. Story III is fake. It was pretty obvious because of the continuity error of my hair's length."

Ben Grow, science senator, proclaimed, "With thoughts like this, how could we not vote him onto the ballet?" 

The Senate agreed and the updated ballet will be on ULink today.